It’s Friday night and I’m bored out of my skull. I call my friend Joe to see if maybe he wants to smoke a joint. Joe, having returned from an exhausting excursion at the gym, agrees immediately and suggests meeting at nearby Wendy’s.
“What’s up,” I say as Joe calmly enters my car. Joe is Filipino and a prominent member of the Asian clique with all its fast and furious obsessions. He is wearing a green Hollister T-shirt that says “YOU BLOW I’LL POP,” ripped blue jeans, and a spiked hairdo. Two months ago, he broke up with his girlfriend of one and a half years.
“Not much, man. Tired as hell from working out.”
“Yeah? I haven’t worked out in weeks. I’m so out of shape.”
Joe seems disinterested. “That blows.”
“How much you bench?”
“My max is like 180. You?”
“180. Nice. Let’s blaze.”
We pass the joint back and forth, blowing the smoke out the window. Nearby, spoiled rotten white kids lean against their parents’ SUVs holding soft drinks and laughing. Several uneventful minutes go by.
“My baby… Michelle, don’t leave me. I love you. Michelle…” Joe mutters to himself. His eyes are flicking in and out of consciousness. Feeling awkward, I say nothing.
“Why?”
I stare at the passing cars. Suddenly, Joe grabs me and shouts. There are tears on his face. “Why man? Why’d she have to leave me? I loved her, you know. I really loved her.”
This isn’t the first time he’s done this. “I know, dude. But she was a bitch. There isn’t a single girl out there that isn’t capable of being one. It’s their nature.”
“You know I lost ten pounds? I haven’t been eating, man. It’s like I don’t even have an appetite anymore. I spend a lot of Friday nights just sitting around and watching fucking MTV. She won’t talk to me.”
“Okay. Joe, it’s been two months. You’ve got to let her go.”
“I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. But I thought… I really thought we were going to be together. Forever. Like we’d get married and have kids and just love each other till the end.”
“Dude, you’re seventeen years old. You shouldn’t even thinking about that kind of stuff. You should be living it up, fucking as many bitches as possible. We’re in high school for Christ’s sake.”
I note, for a moment, the irony of me saying this.
“Yeah you’re right… but you’re wrong. You’re wrong. Michelle was special. I never felt this, like, connected to a girl, you know? She had to have felt something. I know it. In fact, I bet you anything she’s as fucked up as I am. It’s all fucking games with her, man. That’s all it is. Fucking games and shit.”
I feel embarrassed for the kid. Joe isn’t particularly intelligent. One of the reasons Michelle broke up with him was because of this. She was a pretty, petite Chinese girl fixated on getting into a good college. He was a stoner who flunked out of classes and partied all week long. His nature is such that you can talk to him but only about ordinary topics like cars and girls. If you break that barrier, you might as well give up. He is unable to articulate his thoughts in a manner that doesn’t make him sound like an idiot.
“Dude, man, let’s get some burgers. I’m hungry as hell.” Joe says.
“Let’s go.” I reply.
Joe gets out of the car and scratches his head. “Hey man, you got any Vaseline?”
“What?”
“Nothing. Let’s go.”
Two Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers. Coke. We return to the car. I put in Enter the Wu-Tang and start driving. Ten minutes pass in silence.
“Let’s take my car, man.”
“Kind of late, don’t you think?
“It’s only 8:30.”
“No, I mean why didn’t you tell me ten minutes ago?”
“I don’t know. What’s the big deal?”
“I’m not going back.”
“Why not? Where we going anyway?”
I’ve been wondering this myself. “You really want to go back?”
“No man, not really.”
“You just said you did.”
“Yeah. Did.”
I laugh. “What the hell’s wrong with you?
Joe looks offended. “What the hell’s wrong with you?
“Relax man, I’m just playing.”
My cell phone rings. It’s Josie, a girl I kind of like. I tell her I’m busy and I’ll call her back.
“Who was that?”
“Josie.”
“Who’s Josie?”
“This girl in my Civics class.”
“Michelle hasn’t called, has she?”
“No. Why would she call?”
“Hey man, I just asked you a question. No need to get smart with me.”
“Yeah, and I said no. What the hell is your problem?”
“Stop asking me that. I don’t know, alright? I don’t know.”
I drive a little longer then turn around and head back. Joe exits the car without a word. I think about telling him he can call me if he needs anything but think better of it. Instead, I call Josie and invite her to my house. It will be a good night.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
"What's up?" is a questions, so drop the comma and use a question mark instead.
This seems like a huge info dump to me. Though his clothing does tell a bit about his character, do we really need to know that we broke up with his girlfriend? I know he goes into that little dialouge with himself a few paragraphs later, but maybe you could consider cutting this reference here? Then your main character could realize what he was talking about while Joe is actually talking.
“Let’s go," I reply.
Your dialouge is good, and as Jennafina pointed out, it's good when you don't have to use tags to identify the speaker. Your dialouge flowed and sounded human. Good work.
That ending...I'm hoping there's more to come? This sounds like it could be a chapter of a novel or something similar, because if it were just a short story, that ending is really dissatisfying, if you know what I mean.
Nice work, and I look forward to (hopefully) reading more!
What's this about?
The rest of your dialogue I really like. It seems natural, and one topic flows easily to the next. Also, it's easy to tell who's talking, because both of your characters have a distinct voice. About your plot, though, I don't see why it's important. Why this moment?
I like how you describe Joe at first a lot. There's enough details so I can get a picture of what he looks like, but not so much detail that it's over the top.
Like Trident, I think I'd like this better if I knew weather or not it's the start of something longer. I don't think it stands very well on its own. Also, the conclusion seems abrupt and a little random. They're talking, then all of a sudden, Joe leaves and he calls Josie. So what?
I'm not all that familiar with the mechanics of pot smoking, but it seems like at first, Joe is seriously high, and then later, after even more smoking, he's almost fine; ready to buy burgers. If that's normal, I'm sorry to bother you.
I think the names Joe and Josie are too close to each other.
Thanks for posting this!
To start off, this is a very plausible situation. It could easily happen in the real world. In fact, this very type of conversation probably happens hundreds of times each day.
If this is a solitary piece, I don't like it. Now if it were to be a part of something larger, then I would probably be a bit more lenient in my criticism of it. It has nice character development, maybe a bit dramatic, but then again, life tends to be that way.
The last half of the dialogue was nonsensical. I'm not sure what you were trying to do with that. My brain went away there.
The last sentence could use something more that might convey your character a little better.